


Tonight We’ll Be Fine (For a While)

by Cleopatterer



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), American Idol RPF, Kris Allen (Musician)
Genre: M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-30
Updated: 2012-12-30
Packaged: 2017-11-22 22:25:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/615029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cleopatterer/pseuds/Cleopatterer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kris is treading water, has been for a while really, and he’s tired.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tonight We’ll Be Fine (For a While)

Kris slides down from the dock into the blue-gray depths of the lake. The water is chilly despite the mid-summer heat, but he barely feels it.

He heads toward the center of the lake with slow, measured strokes. He tries to concentrate on the rhythm he sets, his arms slicing cleanly through the water, breathing in and out. But the maelstrom swirling in his head won’t quit, a racket he can’t escape.

When he finally stops, Kris glances back at the shore, his eyes automatically searching for Adam. He’s there, spread out on a deck chair, hidden beneath dark sunglasses and a giant floppy hat. Almost as if he can feel Kris’ gaze, Adam looks up and gives a little wave before going back to whatever teen adventure novel he’s reading. Kris turns away, a wave of guilt washing over him. Adam has been trying so hard to hold Kris together, but Kris isn’t sure he’s worth the effort.

Kris is treading water, has been for a while really, and he’s tired. He leans back to float, the water gently lapping at his sides. He closes his eyes, trying to absorb the stillness of the lake. But the images come unbidden, Katy’s fingers gripping white on the steering wheel, the wreckage of the car, the blood on the pavement, staining her clothes, matted in her hair…

But more than that, it’s the sounds roaring in his brain that won’t let up. It’s the anger and hurt in Katy’s voice as she demands “How long?” It’s the screech of the tires and the crunch of metal upon metal as the car slams against the barrier. The relentless blare of sirens, the wails of grief he barely recognizes as his own.

He jerks upright, then submerges himself in the water, desperate to drive the memories from his consciousness. He wishes the water could wash away his sins, a baptism to cleanse his soul and leave him free to start over with Adam. But there’s no absolution to be found in the murky depths, no forgiveness from a god he’s not sure he believes in anymore, because otherwise why is he still alive and not Katy?

It would be so easy to just keep sinking, let the other-worldly calm seep into his body and silence the echoing beat of his worthless heart. Adam deserves better, he thinks; Katy certainly did.

Kris opens his mouth and breathes in, and surrenders to the guilt that is drowning him just as surely as the water filling his lungs.

***

Adam doesn’t look up from his book as Kris tentatively slips into the water, but he allows himself to lean back a little in his chair, tension finally beginning to ease from his body. It had taken Adam months to persuade Kris to come up here with him, but Adam remains convinced that the peace and quiet of the secluded cabin is just what Kris needs to come to terms with what’s happened and hopefully find a little peace within himself.

Realizing he no longer hears the splash of Kris’ progress through the water, Adam looks up to see Kris gazing at him from the center of the lake. Adam waves, but quickly pretends to turn back to his book, even as he continues to observe Kris from behind the shield of his sunglasses.

Adam watches as Kris abruptly dunks himself underwater and he can’t say why, but suddenly he knows. He leaps up from his chair, heart in his throat, tearing off his hat and sunglasses even as he scans the water, willing Kris to reappear.

But all Adam sees is the calm, unbroken surface of the water, no trace of Kris. Shouting Kris’ name, he dives in, the cold waves a shock against his skin, and tears toward the spot he last saw Kris. He can barely see more than a few feet in front of him underwater, the diffuse light from above not nearly enough to penetrate the gloomy depths. He goes back up for a gulp of air, then plunges downward, frantically searching for Kris.

Adam’s starting to panic when he finally glimpses a flash of red swimsuit among a clump of dark, undulating reeds. He surges forward, and yes, there he is, body slowly rocking in the waves, eerie shadows cast across Kris’ face, arms floating limply in front of him. Adam grabs Kris’ wrist and pulls him in against his chest, then claws his way to the surface.

Clutching Kris as tightly as he can, Adam heads for shore. His lungs are screaming, there’s an ache in his side and it seems like they’ll never make it, but finally, finally they’re in the shallows. Adam stumbles under Kris’ weight before gently laying him down on the small sandy beach by the dock.

Kris isn’t breathing and his lips are faintly tinged with blue. Panicking, Adam grabs his shoulders and gives them a rough shake. “Come on, Kris,” he growls, but Kris’ head just lolls to the side. Kneeling next to him, heart pounding, Adam tries to remember the basics of CPR. Steeling himself, he steadies Kris’ head with one hand and takes a deep breath. Forcing Kris’ mouth open, Adam blows air into his lungs. Then he sits back and starts pumping Kris’ chest with his clasped hands, praying he’s doing it right.

“Fuck, Kris, come on,” he pleads, alternating between breathing into Kris’ mouth and bearing down on his chest until finally Kris starts to cough, water spilling out of his mouth. Adam draws Kris up into his arms, rubbing his back as he gasps for air.

For a while all Adam can do is hold Kris, murmuring in his ear. “It’s ok, you’re ok,” he soothes, though he’s not sure if it’s him or Kris he’s reassuring, until Kris’s chest stops heaving and his breathing becomes less labored, so there’s just a light hitch every now and again.

Finally, he pulls back so he can look at Kris. He brushes the wet hair out of Kris’ face, relieved to see the color returning. Kris’ eyes are downcast, as if he’s avoiding looking at Adam. “Hey,” Adam says, stroking Kris’ cheek, “What happened?”

Kris meets Adam’s gaze, but Adam can’t read the expression in his eyes. His mouth opens and closes wordlessly, and then he once again looks away, unwilling or unable to talk.

With a sigh, Adam shakes his head. “Never mind, it’s not important now,” he says. “You need to go to the hospital.”

That draws a reaction. “No!” Kris begs, suddenly gripping Adam’s arms, eyes locked on his. “Please, I can’t-- Not there-- Please-- I’m ok--”

Adam wraps his arms tight around Kris, pulling him in. “I’m sorry, Kris, but you have to see a doctor,” he says. “It’s not a choice. Ok?”

Kris is rigid in his arms, but he nods against his shoulder, giving in. Adam starts to get them up, but Kris’ legs quickly buckle beneath him when he tries to stand. In one smooth motion, Adam scoops Kris up into his arms and carries him to the cabin.

***

In the end, they’d gone to the clinic in the nearest town, the hospital over an hour away. The doctor on call held Kris there for several hours under observation, before cautiously allowing Kris to go home with a prescription of antibiotics to stave off infection in his lungs, and a strict edict to return if he has trouble breathing or maintaining focus. No one questions the circumstances behind the near-drowning.

Kris is lying curled up on the bed when Adam comes in from the bathroom and sits beside him. He hasn’t said much since Adam pulled him from the water, speaking only to answer the doctor’s questions. Adam knows Kris doesn’t want to talk about what happened, today or with Katy or anything else for that matter, but he’s starting to think he’s been letting Kris get away with that for too long.

“We need to talk about this,” he starts. “Kris, I--”

“I’m sorry.”

“What?”Adam stares at Kris, surprised. “What for?”

Kris is silent for a moment, then slowly sits up, wrapping his arms tight around his knees. He doesn’t look at Adam when he speaks. “For today. For scaring you.” He lets out a puff of air, shaking his head. “God, for everything. These last few months… I’m a mess and you… Well, you didn’t sign up for this.”

“Kris, you don’t have to --”

“You don’t have to stay with me, Adam,” Kris talks over him. “In fact, you’d be better off if you left.”

“Stop.” Adam grabs Kris’ shoulder. “You listen to me. I’m not leaving. Not a chance. Got it?” Kris nods mutely. “Ok. Now tell me what happened today.”

Kris bites his lip, absently picking at the bedspread. “I don’t know,” he sighs. “Out there, I just wanted everything to stop. You know? I just wanted to … not be me anymore, with all these thoughts that I can’t get out of my head. ‘Cause they’re always there. That night, it just plays in my mind like a movie on repeat and I can’t get it to stop.”

He’s silent for a moment, and then he looks up. “I just wanted it to stop.”

Adam closes his eyes, heart clenching in his chest. Even though he had been pretty sure what happened, hearing Kris talk like this, practically admitting he wanted to die, Adam is terrified. He doesn’t know what to do, what to say, this is too big. All he knows is he has to get through to Kris somehow.

He turns to Kris, his mind racing, desperately trying to find the right words. “Kris, what happened to Katy, it was an accident,” he starts, but even as he says it he knows that’s not going to help.  
Kris let’s out a harsh laugh. “An accident,” he sneers. “I cheated on my wife, Adam. I cheated on my wife, and she was so upset she drove our car into a guardrail.

“I promised to love her, and cherish her, and be faithful to her, and what did I do? As soon as I got out of Arkansas, got a little fame, a little money? I had an affair. God, I’m such a cliché.”  
Adam feels like he’s been slapped. “I know what we did was wrong, and I hate myself for hurting Katy, but you make it all sound so -- so disgusting and tawdry. Is that how you really feel?”

Kris doesn’t answer.

Adam takes in a shaky breath, then scrubs his hands over his face. “Wow,” he manages, “I had no idea. I mean, I knew you felt guilty, because, god, so do I, but I never thought you…” 

He stops, because that’s a lie. Despite how everything turned out, Adam has never regretted his relationship with Kris, even if that makes him a terrible person, but Kris… He’s always been afraid to find out if Kris feels the same.

“Do you wish we’d never gotten together?” he asks softly.

Kris stares at him, his jaw working. Fear rises in Adam’s chest, but finally Kris speaks. “No,” he whispers. “But that just makes it worse.”

Adam doesn’t know what to say to that, though he can’t help but feel a little relieved, even as he wonders if they can get past this. He takes Kris’ hand and looks him straight in the eye. “Do you blame me? For what happened to Katy?”

Kris looks away. “Sometimes.”

Adam nods to himself. It hurts, but he expected that. After all, he blames himself. “Okay. I deserve that. So,” he forces out, “where do we go from here?”

Kris shakes his head helplessly. “I don’t know.”

The next question is harder, because he’s no longer sure of the answer. “Do you love me?”

This time there’s no hesitation. “Yes,” Kris whispers.

Adam exhales slowly. He takes Kris’ hand. “Good. Because I love you. Blame me, be angry. Whatever you need. But don’t give up. I can’t lose you. You mean everything to me.”

Adam pauses, searching Kris’ face for a sign that he’s getting through. Kris’ eyes are fixed on him, and Adam thinks maybe there’s something there, some half-remembered will to survive. He’s looking at Adam like he’s his only lifeline and Adam knows that he can be that for Kris. He can be anything for Kris, if only he’ll let him. He clutches Kris’ hand a little harder. 

“We can’t change what happened. But we can choose how we go forward. And no matter how we got here, I’m not letting you go.

“But you can’t let go either.”

Kris’ eyes widen. He takes a deep breath and then suddenly he’s gripping Adam’s hand tight. “Ok,” he whispers, and Adam knows it’s a promise.

**Author's Note:**

> Title adapted from Leonard Cohen.


End file.
